Hold On…

I used to think that suicide was an act of cowardice and selfishness. I used to think that those who committed such acts were weak and couldn’t handle life. I used to stand in judgment of their choices and not feel an iota of empathy…until the day my own mother tried to kill herself.

I was forced to look at the issue with new eyes.

Yes, there are those who struggle with mental illness and choose to take their own lives.

Yes, there are those who choose suicide as a way to escape prosecution for horrific crimes/circumstances that they have committed or been involved in.

And then there are those who are simply just tired.

Those normal, everyday people who are tired of struggling with this thing called life. Tired of feeling unworthy. Tired of feeling unloved. Tired of working hard and getting nothing. Tired of feeling left out. Tired of feeling empty. Tired of struggling. Tired of being the underdog. Tired of being tired. And they just want out. They want life to be over so that they can have some semblance of peace. And until my mother tried to check out, I didn’t understand this.

For years, my mother poured all of her love and attention on my brother and me…because she wanted to ensure that we had no doubt that we were loved. She never let a day go by where she didn’t tell us that we were loved. She prayed over us daily. Kissed and hugged us daily. Doted on us daily. All the while, nursing a broken heart. Living with rejection from her mother and from her ex-husband. Fighting demons of depression because she felt like she wasn’t worthy of love. Wondering how she was going to take care of her children as a single mother. Asking why she wasn’t worthy of being loved in spite of her flaws. Crying herself to sleep at night because of the void that encompassed her life. And while my brother and I loved our mother immensely, it wasn’t enough to fill her. It wasn’t enough to keep her from trying to take her own life.

I got the call from MPD that my mother was being transported to the hospital. My heart dropped to my feet. I prayed in desperation that my mother would live and not die. I prayed for her relief from her struggles. I prayed that her circumstances would change…that she would recognize those whom God had placed in her life as friends and “family”…those who loved her no matter what. I prayed that her void would be filled. And God answered those prayers. My mom lived…she survived…and went on to become a breast cancer warrior and inspire others to choose life.

To those who struggle with thoughts of suicide, I say to you HOLD ON. The circumstances in which you find yourself are temporary. In this life, there is balance. Ying/yang, black/white, up/down…etc. And while your circumstance may look bleak at this moment, that pendulum MUST swing back to the other side…to happiness, to prosperity, to success, to acceptance, to fullness…if you just HOLD ON. To everything, there is a season…and your season may be lean at this time…but I have learned that even in the lean times, if you would trust and lean on God, HE will make provisions and get you through…if you just HOLD ON. Understand that each season has a beginning and an ending time. And it may seem as if you have stayed past your expiration¬†date in your winter. But know that God will provide the warmth that you need to get through the cold months if you just HOLD ON. There is a song that says “trouble don’t last always.” And the only way to know that it doesn’t last is to HOLD ON, wait on the Lord and have faith that He will work things out for you. But, you have to HOLD ON!

Please do not make a permanent decision based on a temporary situation. Know that this too shall pass…if you just HOLD ON.


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