“You are the Queen of not completing things…”

“You are lazy…”

“You are fat…”

“You used to be so driven…”

“That’s ALL that you do?”

“What happened to you?”

“You are not enough…”

“Other people are doing more than you…”

“You should be successful by now…”

“If you really wanted it, you would work harder…”

“You are delusional…”

Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can really and truly fuck up your psyche. And while our bones and body may heal from the battering of sticks and stones, our mind may never heal.

I think of the words and phrases that have been spoken to me throughout the years. Phrases that were meant to inspire and motivate, but left me near tears. Words that were meant to break me, and damn near completed that task. Terminology that was used to define me, that I tried, unsuccessfully, to fit the description of even though that was not who I was or am. I think of every time someone said something to me and I allowed those words to take root in my head and eventually, my heart. And then I think of how much time I allowed myself to dwell on those things even when I knew that they were not true.

As human beings, we thrive and we grow when we receive positive affirmations and words spoken with care and love. We strive to do better–to BE better when we are verbally nurtured. But the reality is that not everyone is in the position to speak words of life, love and encouragement into us. Not everyone is willing to speak to us in those manners and not everyone is capable.

As a child, I was born into a less than stellar situation for which I was sometimes blamed and treated indifferently; thus leading to a childhood and partial adulthood of people pleasing. I remember being a little girl and being told that I would be such a pretty little girl IF I wasn’t so rambunctious, if I would allow myself to be seen and not heard, if I stayed in a child’s place, if I did not express my thoughts and opinions. I also heard phrases like “Why can’t you be like so and so?” or “You are not as smart as you think,” or “You have embarassed me.” And so I grew up walking on egg shells, always questioning myself, being overly critical of self and always seeing myself as coming up short. I was a very studious little girl, bringing home straight A’s in most grades, graduated Salutatorian of my high school class, received academic scholarships to college and yet, I never felt that I was good enough. I was teased for having a flat face, big head, a moustache, a “boy” shape, kinky hair and I always found myself wondering why God couldn’t have at least given me “good” hair (you know, that wavy, curly stuff) or maybe some lighter colored eyes or maybe a warm undertone to my skin. In my estimation, I was a plain, nondescript, boring, average Black girl who was kind of smart but talked too much and was too loud to be acceptable. And I carried that persona with me for years. Those words that were spoken to me became the “truth” that I allowed to take root in my mind and heart.

As an adult, I found it easy to run away from those voices and words spoken into me by throwing myself 110% into my career. I wanted to be the best police officer, the best community officer, the best supervisor that I could be. I had to prove every negative word spoken over me wrong. And while I encountered some negative words while on the police department (“I don’t understand why the police dept hires people like you,” and “I called the police, not a nigger,” and “We took a bet and we don’t think you are going to last 6 months in this unit,” and “She is well spoken and qualified but too loud”), I went through my career pushing forward, being my best self, creating projects, writing a book for my department, writing lesson plans for summer camps for my unit, training officers across the nation to teach a gang program, attending as many trainings as possible to better myself. I promoted to sergeant and kept pushing forward. I made sure that my officers were always covered, always sent to available trainings, and I pushed them to go as far as they could in their careers. Most of my career was spent receiving accolades and being told that while outspoken and blunt, I was an awesome officer and supervisor and that I should be proud of that. And I was and am. I know the lives that I touched and I appreciate the influence that I was allowed to have. I am forever grateful for that…and during that time, I felt like I was a success. That feeling would not last for long.

After an awesome police career, I chose to retire to be a full time mother to my sons. I came home and jumped head first into molding and shaping the lives of my young boys. I volunteered with the PTA, was on the gymnastics booster club board, attended band parent meetings and was at EVERY event that my sons participated in. I also wrote and published a book, started writing two more books, taught fitness classes and did personal training, obtained 11 fitness certifications, thought about different businesses that I wanted to start, started then stopped then started then stopped a clothing business…basically, I was doing A LOT. I was putting so much on myself to go, go, go. Why? Because I had to keep the momentum that I had on the police department going. I had to continue to create and produce because doing so would make me worthy–it would validate me as a viable human. It would prove that I was good enough. But then, one day, I simply got tired. I was burned out. On the outside, I was still posting the perfect mom pictures and the life is grand image but on the inside, I was breaking down. And the thing is, I couldn’t break down…because if I did, if I stopped doing everything that I was doing, then that would make everything that was said to me about me true–wouldn’t it?

The first thing I let go of was fitness. I let go the fitness certifications and teaching fitness classes/personal training. I lost my motivation and I just didn’t have the creative energy required to develop engaging and motivating workouts. Next, I stopped writing. My creative mind went blank. Writer’s block took over. I simply had nothing to say and no desire to write. Then came the food. I began to eat…pancakes, waffles, plain potato chips. And then I added wine and margaritas to the rotation. I tried to justify this behavior as taking a break and unwinding after all the years of pushing hard and being seen as a success. The reality is that I was using those things to quiet the “you are failing” voices in my head. The clothing line, I simply let it drop even though I knew that there was a niche for what I was doing. I just let it be. And with each thing that I let go of, those voices of my youth–those voices that reminded me that I am not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not focused enough, not driven enough–began to get louder. I would log onto social media and see all the #nodaysoff and #grinding and #workhard and all of the other #Boss type hashtags and posts that people were using and making and I felt like even more of a failure. At this point, all I had going for myself was being a mom to my sons. My days consisted of driving to gymnastics practices and meets, marching band performances, rugby games…pretty much all things mom related. I had NOTHING that was for Lisa. And I sank into a depression. And I allowed all of the negative words to raise their ugly voices to remind me that if I am not defined by accomplishments and action, then I am nothing. And I wallowed in that while smiling and #livingmybestlife in public. And that shit sucked.

I tried talking about what I was feeling inside but despite my being a writer, I couldn’t formulate the correct words. I knew that I was hurting, broken and empty inside. I knew that all of the negative words that had been thrown my way as a little girl were rearing their ugly heads. I could feel them creeping up on me and weighing me down. I was told that being a mom should be enough for me. I was told that being a wife should be enough for me. I was told that watching my boys thrive and succeed in their lives should be reward enough. I was told that there are many people who wish they could be in my shoes/position and that I was ungrateful for the successes that I have as a wife and a mother.

On the flip side, I was getting messages via social media that I was not doing enough. That I was squandering my 24 hours in a day if I wasn’t running 12 businesses, driving a Lexus, being a #GirlBoss, carrying a LV bag, taking vacations, saging my house, doing self care, walking away from stuff that doesn’t serve me, being a super mom, promoting Black love, staying #Woke… It was all too much and I just got tired. Mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. I needed to press STOP.

That is just what I did.

I had to put a stop to the constant reminders of a childhood of hurtful words. Had to put a stop to an adulthood that came with questions of my ability to police and supervise. Had to put a stop to all of the times that I was cast in someone else’s shadow. Had to put a stop to logging onto social media and comparing my life to what was being posted, portrayed and hash tagged (cuz most of that shit ain’t real anyway). Had to put a stop to the voices that wanted to tell me that I am enough. Most important, I had to make the decision to not personalized or personify the words that have been spoken my way.

My mother always told me to be careful what I speak because words have power. I have learned that I must be careful what I allow myself to hear and receive because words have effect and can sway my perception of self. I have learned that the words spoken to me as a child came from people who were speaking from their own places of brokenness. That what they were projecting on me was what they saw in themselves. I also realize that many of the words spoken to me came from a place of ugliness and jealousy. While we want to believe that all humans are good and have some light within them, the reality is that some folks are simply mean and evil and they have no problem being vendors of hurt and pain for their own pleasure. Last, I have learned and realized that some people unknowingly speak words thinking that they are realists and speaking hard truths, but they lack empathy. And they may not mean to hurt, but they do.

Over time, I came to understand that I am not who people say that I am and that the words that others speak over me do not have to become my truth or my destiny. I have learned that just as others have the right to speak, I have the same right to speak words of LIFE and LOVE to me. I have the power to walk away from people who are not speaking from a place of love, concern or professionalism. I have the right to set boundaries as to what I will allow myself to engage in or receive. And most important, I have the right to let go of the words spoken in my life that have held me emotionally and mentally hostage for so many years. I have the power to rewrite my story. I have the power to change my narrative. I have the power to say “Lisa, you are the BOMBDIGGITY!” And I don’t care that no one says bombdiggity anymore, that is what I want to say to me to hype me up and THAT is what matters.

Sticks and stones may break my bones and words can break our spirits and diminish our lives only if we allow them to; meaning, if we do not do the work or seek help in overcoming the negativity that people have sown into our lives through their mouths, we can only expect a life of depression, sadness, disappointment and a distorted view of self. We only have one life to live and we should make the most of it. Do not allow the selfish, ugly, oppressive, demeaning, base, negative words of another box you in, put you in a cage or define your destiny or sense of self. You CAN break free from the negativity and make your “Once Upon a Time” a  reality.

I encourage you also to taste your words before you speak them, speak your PEACE/PIECE with love, compassion, empathy and respect and to remember that words have power.

Love and Light